HappySad

Things That Made Me Laugh

Holiday Meeting at Work

Julie, the head honcho: "We need to say yes to customers this holiday season! 'Yes, I can use that expired coupon; yes, I can waive that shipping fee for you."
Aaron: "Yes, you can take that, no one's looking."

Julie: "What time is it?"
Aaron, wanting to leave: "11:30." (4 hours later than it really was - ha!)

Things I Love

I love the way our cat Clyde drinks water by dipping his paw in it and then licking his paw.

Ideas

from Psychology: A Journey of Discovery, 3rd edition, by Stephen L. Franzoi, Ph.D.
The linguist Benjamin Lee Whorf (1897-1941) developed the linguistic relativity hypothesis, which proposes that the structure of language determines the structure of thought (Whorf, 1956). . . The implications of this hypothesis are profound. First, if language shapes your conception of reality, without a word or phrase to describe an experience, you literally cannot think about it.

This is not true for me. There are many concepts that come to my mind with no English words to describe them. For several months I've been looking for a word for "happy accident" or "joyful surprise" with no luck. Can anyone help me? I also need a word for the opposite of heartbreak, solar wind, streams of white light that shoot up into the sky in an arc, the perfect note, and the sound of photosynthesis. What are the words for those things?

The Latest News

I bought my plane ticket today. I'm going back to San Francisco on December 3rd.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was being awakened in the middle of the night by my kitty Max. I reached out to pet her and found a wad of paper . . . she wanted me to play fetch with her! So cute.

Another time I was just finishing up a shower, and when I opened the bathroom door to go out I saw a wad of paper right there on the floor. I could just imagine Max bringing the paper, waiting for me to come out, and then leaving, tired of waiting.

Guilt

I keep dreaming that Bill is dead and it's my fault, or that he hates me. Because I feel like he hates me. We haven't spoken for weeks, but I still can't shake this feeling that I'm picking up on hateful vibes. It's probably just the guilt talking.

Fortune Cookies

"Love is like war; easy to begin but hard to stop."

Sadness

Several nights in a row I've had dreams about making love to Bill, but he's covered in bandages.

My Favorite Thing About Today

Stephanie,
I just wanted to let you know that Leigh has been great today. She worked by herself over here for several hours and she was still in good spirits when I relieved her for lunch. Oh, and the cafe looked great.

(note from my co-worker Alicia to my supervisor)


Dear Leigh,
RUN!! BEES!!
-- j.

(note from my co-worker Jake)

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

I saw Travis Hummingbird at work today. Haven't seen him since high school.

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

Today at work I saw Ms. Nesser, my French teacher from middle school, and Annie, Doug's ex-girlfriend! Last time I saw her was 7 years ago in Palo Alto. I guess she's back "home" in Tulsa just like I am.

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

Today at work I saw Mr. Rauss, my gym teacher from elementary school. Haven't seen him in 15 years! He remembered me, and he remembered that I was athlete of the year.

Fortune Cookies

"Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!"
(Yeah, right. I hate driving.)

My Favorite Thing About Today

I laughed in my sleep last night.

Things That Made Me Laugh

Conversation overheard on the walkie talkies at work

Aaron:"Stephen, there's a customer coming up to ask you a question."
Stephen: "Could you describe this customer?"
Aaron: "She's got a head, and...she's wearing clothes."

Message in a Chocolate Wrapper

"Write a real letter, not just an email."

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

Today I realized that one of my co-workers is Katie Lupardus from high school.

Fortune Cookies

"Good luck is the result of good planning."
I found this in the parking lot at Crow Creek Tavern, but I don't think I fully agree. I believe that good luck is the result of good feeling, of having a good attitude.

Fortune Cookies

"Your ability to juggle many tasks will take you far."
Whew! Yeah, especially at work, where we're always short-handed. I'm grateful for my new job, but I sure wish we had more than 1 or 2 people in the cafe. When a line forms while I'm working by myself, I just freak out.

Little Miracles

I watched The Bridge tonight, the 2005 documentary about the Golden Gate Bridge, and one of the survivors who told his story said the reason he didn't drown was because a sea lion was keeping him afloat. He said the second he jumped he no longer wanted to die, so I guess the Universe sent a friend to save him.

The Latest News

Last night we realized that Timmy, one of our kittens, was finally starting to pass away due to his birth defect. (He had adult-sized failing kidneys.) We really wanted to take him to the vet to be put to sleep so he wouldn't suffer anymore, but the vet was closed. So I took him to bed with me and talked to him and sang for him for about an hour. He just lay on my chest without moving, but he never took his eyes off me and every now & then he would meow weakly. I fell asleep with him on my chest. When I woke up in the night, I touched him and knew he was gone.

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

Today at work I saw John Garrett from high school.

Small World (or maybe just a small town)

Today at work I saw Ray Barham from middle school and Alissa Brooks from high school.

It All Depends on How You See It

I saw The Illusionist tonight, and it was an answer to my prayers, in a way. It's an awesome movie anyway, but for me, personally, it helped me see that all the sad stuff I'm experiencing in my life right now, although painful, is still only an illusion, because happy, wonderful things are right around the corner, and it's all up to me to create those happy things. We could see the happiness as an illusion, or we could see the sadness as an illusion. It's all up to us.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was the profile of a smiling bear cast by the bright headlights of Gran's car. It was the coolest thing -- the shape of the light looked exactly like a smiling bear, with shadows for the eye, ear, mouth and everything.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was trying to battle feelings of tension by imagining that my lungs were purring as I breathed, my heart was a furry kitten curled up into a ball inside my chest, and the familiar fluttering butterfly was on my chest, lifting it up.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was holding one of the baby bunnies that my cousins rescued from the crows. I've never even seen a baby bunny before. They were just 3 inches long and their eyes weren't even open yet. We fed them milk with one of my cousins' Barbie bottles. It was Easter today, too. Perfect day for petting & feeding baby rabbits!

The Latest News

Borders hired me! Yay! I'll be working in the cafe.

The Latest News

I got to see Sally have kittens! It was awesome! I helped one of them take his first gulp of air by squeezing the corners of his mouth, and he blew a big bubble out of his nose. She had 5 of them, all gray tigers. Then Clyde & Jack, the guy cats, caught a baby rabbit and we brought it inside. I've never held a wild rabbit before. What an active night this has been!

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was watching Little Miss Sunshine with my brother, sister and 6 of my cousins and muting it during the bad language. I was like a gunslinger with that remote control.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was finding some videos of Greg Patillo quite by accident on YouTube. A nice surprise. I also got a call from Borders, asking me to come in on Thursday for a job interview. For years I tried to get a job at the Borders in Union Square with no luck, but now it looks like I may get the job after all, just in a different city.

New Experiences

Today at my Grandpa Baker's place I got to shoot a bow for the first time and it felt fantastic, as good as I imagined it would. The bowstring snapped against my arm a few times and now I have giant bruises, but I like it. It makes me feel tough & adventurous.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was watching a cute video that Ledbetter made with photos.
(Enter "ledbetter sorry" in the MySpace video search.)

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was finding a baby rabbit in the side yard and saving him from the cats. My sister & I brought the cats in the house and left the rabbit some salad greens & water. His ears were only half an inch long.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was browsing in an antique shop and seeing a book of Irish poems by someone named Burns. The book was beautiful; it looked just like wood with leaves carved in it, and someone had written in it with gorgeous Edwardian penmanship . . . and it was printed in 1892! I sure wish it wasn't $20.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was helping our cat Jack chase a moth by holding him up in the air and moving him around. He almost caught it, but then it landed on his nose and he didn't seem to know how to get it off. He didn't try to brush it off with his paw or anything, he just let it stay there.

Ideas

I like to think that by playing with the cats, talking to them, and feeling love for them, I'm helping to further their evolution.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was finding my friend Adam Rokhsar on MySpace. I haven't seen him in 3 and a half years since he moved away to New York.

The Latest News

I moved to Tulsa today. Not sure how long I'll be here.

Horoscope

AQUARIUS
Jan. 20-Feb. 18
"Haven't you learned? There's a fine line between giving in to your all-holy impulses and manifesting pure chaos. We think your anxiety level will let you know when you've crossed from spontaneity to making a mess of your life. We support both your impulsiveness and the lessons it teaches."

Now I regret coming on to Carson so strongly because now he seems uncomfortable around me.

Things That Made Me Laugh

When Amber was playing with the cats with the laser, and then she said, "Get the light, Carson! Get the light!" and Carson started chasing it.

Things That Made Me Laugh

When Carson called Bonnie's tea "something to flavor the scalding water."

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was driving aimlessly with Bill along Highway 1, enjoying the view of the ocean, then stopping in a little town to get something to eat and discovering a place called Sushi Totoro! A nice Valentine's Day surprise for us.

Things That Made Me Laugh

Bonnie: "It's Black History Month and Carson is partaking. I applaud you,
Carson."
Carson: "Can you give me a literal applause?"
Bonnie: "I can give you a literal pot of soup in the face."

Things That Made Me Laugh

Amber, with the Martian Death Flu: "I am wickedly ill.'
Carson: "I am wickedly ill, too."

Things That Made Me Laugh

Sign in Golden Gate Park panhandle: "Mowing postponed due to wet soft condition of field."
E.K. & I were like (sarcastically), "Gee, I'm glad they tell us these things. I mean, if this sign wasn't here, we'd be like, 'What's going on? Aren't they ever gonna mow here again??' " Why anyone would assume anyone cared about the status of the mowing, and would even put up a sign, was beyond us and, for some reason, was unbearably funny.
A few blocks later we saw a guy walking his dog and the dog was pooping, but having trouble getting it out. And the guy was actually coaching his dog, and this is what he said: "Work it out... Be the poop... See your future... Work it out." E.K. & I looked at each other and then burst out laughing. I felt like we were in some kind of movie, or something.

Nice Surprises

I was too tired to go to poetry, but everyone ended up coming over here, a great thing to wake up to at 2 in the morning.

Things That Made Me Laugh

Birthday card I found for Carson to give to E.K.:
"Hope this little kitty brightens your day!
I know how much you love those damn things."

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was walking along Ocean Beach with Bill and wondering what my life in Tulsa will be like.

Fortune Cookies

"You may lose the small ones, but win the big ones."

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was reading the tender e-mail Bill sent to me.
Bill: "How are you? Better yet, how do you feel?"
Me: "When I don't think about 'it,' I feel very calm."
Bill: " leighli - I am glad . . . I let 'it' wash over me sometimes, and 'it' hurts me, and that is ok. I am missing you and your friendly companionship . . . and all I want to do now is hug you and put your heart as close as possible to mine. When you get the chance, let it all gently roll through you . . . I refuse to forget or deny the easy grace that is the love I feel for you.
kisses>Billy"

from My Time in Hell, by Andrew Carson:
"I think it would be disappointing to look back from the other side of death and have to say to myself, 'Damn it, if I had just held on a little while longer things would have been all right.' "

Magic 8 Ball

Me: "Will Bill & I get back together?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Better not tell you now."
Me: "Will Bill & I always be in love?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Concentrate and ask again."
Me: "Will Bill & I always be in love?"
Magic 8 Ball: "As I see it, yes."
Me: "How'm I doing?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Yes, definitely." :)

Coincidences

Today at Jason's house I was looking at all the photos on the wall in the hall, and I saw a picture of Miguelito. He was in a war protest, holding up one end of a banner.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was me & Jason & Leah all talking on the phone at the same time.

Coincidences

I ran into Jason at the library today! I helped him look for videos about San Francisco and then we went home and watched Eddie Izzard.

Me: "Was breaking up with Bill the right thing to do?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Without a doubt."

Fortune Cookie: "Accept the affections offered to you - they are sincere."

Bill & I started the breakup process today. We met in Golden Gate Park, and I was so scared to tell Bill that I wanted to break up with him . . . but the amazing part was realizing he already knew what I was going to say, because that was what he had come to say, too. We both picked the same day to break the news to each other. The fact that we're so tuned in to each other makes it that much harder to end it.

My Favorite Thing About Today

My favorite thing about today was playing with the cats, and each cat sighed when he had to wait his or her turn to play with the toy. So cute. Simon was stretched out on the floor on his side, and when I put my hand against the bottoms of his feet he pushed off and slid across the floor like Superman flying, with his arms stretched forward and everything. Simon push-off!

Things That Made Me Laugh

E.K. pretending to be a hallway sprite.

One of my favorite things about the Amber-Bonnie-Carson-E.K. house is how the window in the shower looks right out on downtown. The cold air on my face, the hot water on my back, and being able to see the city so clearly makes me feel like I'm in two places at once.

My Favorite Thing About Today

While I was working at Royal Ground Coffee, someone from Extreme Pizza came in wanting to trade a bunch of $1 bills for some $20 bills. In exchange for the favor, he let me come down and get a free piece of pizza.

New Experiences

Today I learned a great skill for work: When I'm starting to cry from sensory overload, I just pretend it's allergies and that takes all the shame out of it, and without the shame, I don't cry as much.

Fortune Cookies

"The strengths in your character will bring you serenity."

Little Miracles

Reconnecting with Peggy & Mao Mao at their party last night was not only the best part of my day but one of the best parts of the whole year, a wonderful way to end a year and bring in a new one. I was hearing things and seeing things that usually pass by me unnoticed, like Peggy & Mao Mao pausing in the conversation just long enough for me to hear someone else say something that was totally congruent with what was going on inside me. It was like the outside was confirming what I felt in my core. I dared to believe in beauty and immediately started seeing it all around me. After midnight, when Mao Mao & I were standing on his porch looking at the sparkling, sweeping view of the city below, Mao Mao said something funny, and when I tilted my head back to laugh, I saw a shooting star.

Me: "Should I marry Bill?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Get a clue."
Bill: "Should I marry LeeLee?"
Magic 8 Ball: "Get a clue." (!!)
Bill & I laughed so hard over that one. Thank god for our sense of humor in our time of difficulty.